Story: What If, Book 1 (8 of ?)

[willow_25]

Here's to finishing another chapter I never thought I'd see the end of! Kind of a long one, hope you enjoy.  Also, a reminder that this story is unbetaed after Chapter 2, so please let me know if you find any problems.

In this Chapter we take a detour back into canon (kind of), and Drusilla gets some more 'screen time'.  Previous Chapters here

Chapter 8

Willow and Xander weren’t thrilled with Buffy’s suggestion that they join her for training the next day at the vampire’s house, but Willow’s curiosity and Xander’s desire not to go home won out over their fear of Spike. The trio of teens went directly to the big house after school, Buffy letting them in with her key.

“Hello?” Buffy called out, out of politeness more than anything. She knew she was welcome to show up at any time here, for training or chat or cocoa.

Jill rushed into the foyer from her office. “Buffy! How was school?”

Buffy shrugged. “There was learning. From books, even. Jill, you remember Xander and Willow, right?”

Jill smiled and greeted the other teens, ushering all three of them into the brightly lit kitchen for a quick snack. As the foursome chatted and ate cookies, Jill got a feeling for the group dynamics and the teens’ personalities. She was beginning to develop the sinking feeling that William had been right about Xander; the boy had secrets by the trainload, and a growing obsession with the Slayer.

Buffy was starting to get antsy. As much as she enjoyed spending time with her friends, she was used to getting a good workout and a boatload of her homework finished while she visited the witch and the vampire. This just hanging out thing was okay, but she was itching to get in some good violence, to get some of her own back after having her confidence shaken. Just when she was thinking of excusing herself, she was saved by the vampire.

Spike stalked in via the hallway leading to the ballroom where they trained, already barking out orders. “Summers! Hurry up and get your kit on, girl, this isn’t the local diner for Christ’s sake. We’ve got work to do.” Without waiting for a response, he dug around in the fridge for his blood.

Buffy smiled brightly, her gaze barely touching on her friends. “Sorry guys, duty calls.” With that, she rushed off to change, leaving her nervous friends in the presence of the vampire.

As his mug of blood heated in the microwave, Spike turned his gaze on the teenagers, enjoying the faint but potent bouquet of fear that clung to them. “So, Buffy told me there was an incident at the school the other day. How are the two of you feeling?”

Xander blanched noticeably, cementing instantly in the minds of the adults that his loss of memory was a big crock. Willow was nervous as well, but more about being put on the spot and asked her opinion by such a dangerous and ancient being. Well, not ancient, but to Willow anything over 40 was old; a hundred and (at least) thirty seven years seemed like forever.

"Well," Willow answered. "It was kind of scary, when Xander and those other kids started acting all weird, and I felt bad for the poor piggy they ate, and then we were all worried that we wouldn't be able to get them back to normal…So, yeah, it was all with the scary and nerve-wracking. We're better now, though. And, at least Xander didn't help kill poor principal Flutie. I'll miss having him around, he was nice. I don't know who they're going to get to be principal of a high school on the Hellmouth; the vice-principal turned them down, so…"

"Willow." Jill cut the young girl off. "Why don't you have a drink and let Xander answer? I'm sure he has a lot to say also, since he was the one possessed."

"Oh, but Xander doesn't remember anything from while he was a hyena…"

"Red, why don't you go see what's keeping the Slayer? Maybe she can give you a quick tour of the place before she starts her warm-ups." It was Spike's turn to cut her off, his gaze never straying from Xander, who smelled increasingly of fear.

Willow looked between the witch, the vampire, and her best friend, and decided to just do what they told her. It seemed like there was something serious going on here, and after yesterday's adventure she wasn't sure she wanted to be involved.

As Willow disappeared down the hallway after Buffy, Spike and Jill focused their attention on the pale teen at their kitchen table. "So, Xander, do you wanna tell us what happened when you were taken over by this Hyena demon thing?" Jill asked, sinking slowly into a chair across from the frightened young man. Spike twitched to get into the whelp's face and demand an explanation for how he could dare to defile the Slayer, but forced himself to step back and let Jill handle things. For now.

Xander looked from the obviously angry vampire to the serene witch, and caved like a house of cards in a windstorm. His words rushed out, his gaze fixed on the table before him. "I…I felt strong, full of power, you know? Like no one could take me. I wanted to show everyone; my Dad, the guys at school; that I wasn't gonna get stomped on anymore. When Buffy still didn't want strong-me, and she wanted to stop my fun, I got angry. That rage…It was like nothing I've ever felt before. It just consumed me. And then the…Fuzzy feelings I had for Buffy, they got all mixed up with the grr, and then there was badness."

"So what you're saying is that you lust after one of your best friends, and the second you were strong enough you tried to take what you wanted from her without her consent, and then you lied about remembering it to escape culpability." Spike bit out, clenching his hands into fists to keep from hitting the boy. So much for the stepping back plan.

"Culpability. Wow, you are pissed off, you broke out the big words." Jill teased, trying to defuse the tension. Both men ignored her.

Xander met the vampire's eyes, his mouth open to make a cutting remark about a hundred years of murder and mayhem in the vampire's past; and wasn't killing a Slayer worse than raping one, especially since she'd stopped him before he could complete the act. What he saw in Spike's face stopped him cold. The anger there was all out of proportion to having a student or friend attacked. "You're in love with her." He accused the vampire.

Spike shook his head. "Not like you're thinkin', whelp. In another life, Buffy would have been family. Wanna make sure she's got the support she needs to stay safe."

Xander blinked at the vampire, confused. "And I say huh, with the what?"

Spike didn't want to get into this, but to help Buffy he'd embarrass himself a little. "When I was…Alive, I was engaged. The girl died before we could get married. Buffy is descended from my former fiancé's little brother. So, we could have been related, if things were different. Point being, she's like a niece to me." Yeah, Spike, pull the other one. Like you've never checked out those curves of hers. Like you've never wanted to kiss her when she does something that reminds you of Emily.

Xander sat quietly and absorbed that information, processing it in terms of the vampires he'd seen, and Jesse's disappearance. "So, okay, I get that you're a special kind of pissed at me. And you're right, I did a bad thing, that I feel awful about. But, remember, I was possessed by an animal spirit thingy at the time. When Giles said Buffy would move on quicker if I pretended not to know what I'd done, I jumped on the ol' bandwagon…'Cause, you know, the crippling guilt and humiliation and all."

Jill reached out and placed a gentle hand on Xander's arm. "Xander, the best thing you can do right now is to talk to Buffy, and apologize. Mr. Giles was wrong. She needs to know you're sorry before she can move on. She needs to be able to trust you."

Spike nodded. "Listen, whelp. The best thing we can do for Buffy is train her and get her a good strong support system; emotional support as well as fighting support. She wants you to be there for her, but if she can't put her faith in you, you're a liability. You need to get over those issues you have. And if she never sees you as more than a good buddy, you need to be able to be that friend and not get bitter or try to interfere with whatever bloke she does want to date."

Xander flushed and looked ready to speak up in his defense, but Jill cut him off. "Listen, we're not trying to be mean or kick you to the curb. We want what's best for Buffy. And right now, that's helping both of you get past this. Which is gonna mean a little work on your part. The question is, are you willing to do the work? Will you let us help you help Buffy?"

For a minute, the silence stretched across the kitchen. Xander sat still, the focus of a vampire and a witch, which was unnerving enough before you took into consideration that he was wrestling with his desire to help Buffy and his unwillingness to admit he had issues that needed dealing with.

After some soul searching, Xander realized there was only one thing he could do. He met Jill's eyes, and asked, "What do I do to make this right?"

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"And here we are, back in the foyer." Buffy threw her arms out in an expansive gesture, spinning to face Willow.

"It's a great house." Willow acknowledged. "Very homey, despite being huge. And not at all creepy, even if there are vampires living here."

Buffy nodded. "I'd show you the upstairs, but I don't wanna disturb Drusilla if she's sleeping. Spike would take my skin off."

"It's okay, I think one vampire social visit per day is my quota." Willow smiled at her friend. "Do you think we should head back? I mean, I don't wanna interrupt, but you need to get training, and Xander and I need to start on homework."

Buffy felt her heart lurch. She really didn't want to know how things were going with her other best friend and her vampire-kinda-friend, but it was time to suck it up and deal. "Yeah, I guess we'd better. I slacked yesterday; once Spike's done chewing Xander out, he's liable to start on me."

"Are you scared of Spike?" Willow asked. Sure, she'd been exposed to the vampire a few times before, and he'd never made a move to hurt her, but still…Vampire.

"Not scared in an 'eek, big bad' kind of way; more in a 'strict school teacher with a bad temper' way." Buffy stated somberly, leading her friend back towards her training room. The girls were so focused on their conversation, neither of them noticed the brunette vampire at the top of the stairs.

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Buffy and Xander were both surprised at how far a little talk went towards making them comfortable with each other again. Jill encouraged them just enough so it didn't take all day, while Spike and Willow observed, each stifling their urge to comment. Spike focused on ignoring his attraction to the young Slayer, while Willow stifled how hearing her crush talk about his fixation on another girl hurt.

Eventually the two central figures in the drama made their peace, and Willow and Xander went to the Solarium for homework, while Buffy and Spike went off to train and Jill started dinner.

Drusilla remained hovering at the top of the stairs until everyone had begun their self-appointed tasks, before she began her own. She felt much better today than she had in ever so long, and she hungered for something sweet and ripe, and fresher than the packaged blood Spike made her drink now. Something just a bit…Dishonest, and lusty. Fortunately for Dru, there were two prime candidates in the house.

Sneaking carefully through the front hall past the kitchen, skirting the old ballroom where she could hear the cheerful sounds of her sweet William fighting the Slayer, Dru made her way to the Solarium. Spike had explained to her that she was safe from the sun here, but she wasn't at all certain that the pixies weren't fooling him…They might just be waiting to burn her all to ashes. So she lurked quietly at the door, watching the teens read and write, and talk about their schoolwork.

She took a deep breath, scenting the girl's lust, the boy's anxiety…Such a heady mix of emotions. And they were so innocent. That made for the best type of snack. All she had to do was convince them to come to her…

Xander looked up from struggling with his math homework, and caught sight of the tall, pale woman in the doorway. He opened his mouth to warn Willow about the vampire, but before he could make a sound Drusilla caught him in her gaze.

Willow finished her explanation of how to calculate the missing angle in a triangle, looking up from her paper to make sure Xander had gotten it this time, and spotted his far-away gaze. "Xander!" She snapped, still a bit angry with him for the sneaky Buffy lusting. "Pay attention! You have a test tomorrow!"

"Hey, Will, why don't we take a break? Let's go see how Buffy's doing?"

If Willow hadn't been so angry with him, she might have noticed that Xander's voice was a little on the weirdness side, but she was angry and hurt, so she just grumbled to herself as they got up and headed towards the darkened hallway.

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Buffy felt Drusilla move closer, and almost got knocked off her feet in her distraction. "What in bloody hell's wrong now, Slayer?" Spike snapped. He knew Buffy wanted the whelp in her life, that she considered him a good friend, but he'd have much preferred it if she'd kicked the lying little git to the curb.

"Dru's downstairs." Buffy replied, backing away from him, towards the door. "Maybe I should go say hi, you know? Maybe I should warn Willow and Xander? They might freak, you know?"

Spike could honestly say that making the whelp into a meal for his dark princess was too tempting by half, but they should be perfectly safe from Dru where they were, and Buffy was way behind on the exercises he and the Watcher had planned for this week. "Not to fuss, pet. Dru's scared of the sun, she won't go into the solarium. Your mates 'll be fine, and Dru will eventually get bored and either wander in here, or go see Jill. No need for you to be distracted thinkin' about…" Whatever she didn't need to be distracted by, Willow's shriek took precedence. The vampire and Slayer dashed in the direction of the sound, which cut off abruptly, leaving a deathly silence.

As they rounded the corner, Buffy almost tripped over her feet in shock. Drusilla, or at least she assumed it was Drusilla, had her teeth in Xander's neck, while Willow stood beside her. Neither of them were struggling.

While the Slayer stumbled, willing her brain to catch up so she could help her friends, Spike called out to his former girlfriend, hoping he could get her to stop without having to hurt her. "Dru! Get your fangs out of him right this instant!" He used his sternest voice, hoping he could convince his sire to listen.

They were in luck. Dru was used to following orders, and happy to see both of them, so she easily gave in to his demand. "Spike! Look, I'm up and about!" She gave him a fangy grin, making Buffy's stomach roll at the sight of Xander's blood on her lips.

Buffy stepped forward cautiously to grab Willow and pull her away from the vampire. The redhead wasn't responding, but with some tugging the Slayer managed to move her. "Hey, Drusilla, I'm Buffy. It's nice to meet you." Buffy nearly gagged at having to be polite, but she needed to get her friends safe before she could worry about anything else.

Dru's focus drifted away from the nummy treats when she spotted the Slayer. "Sunshine!" She squealed, loosening her hold on Xander and letting him fall to the ground. Jill, who had slipped in behind the vampire unnoticed, dragged the boy back towards the kitchen.

Suddenly as it had caught hold, the thrall over Willow broke and she shrieked again, drawing the attention of Buffy and the two vampires. "You bit my friend! And…And you did something to me…"

Willow was practically hyperventilating, but whether she was more angry or scared was anybody's guess, and Spike had no patience to figure it out. "Red, get back into the solarium, and don't bloody well come back in here until the Slayer tells you, ey?"

Willow opened her mouth to object, to point out that this was a bad person…Vampire…And she'd munched on Willow's best friend; but before she could speak Buffy interrupted her. "Willow, do what Spike says, we'll get you in a minute so you can check on Xander. Now go! I don't want you getting hurt, too."

She went, but she wasn't happy about it, and she let them all know it. And then, it was just the three of them.

Spike sighed and relaxed fractionally. Dru just wanted attention, as long as they chatted her up she'd stay docile. With a little luck, they could get some of Jill's herb drugged blood into her, and she'd nod right off, and he could put her back to bed without anyone worse for wear…Well, except the boy, and he deserved a bit o' rough treatment. Buffy noticed Spike relaxing and bristled, but did her best to act calm in front of Dru. She tried to remember everything Spike had told her about his sire, hoping something would come in handy.

"Now, Dru." Spike began, striving for calm. "We talked about not killing humans anymore, didn't we? And you agreed with me, didn't you? No more happy meals with legs. So, why were you snacking on the whelp, eh? You've been a very bad girl, Dru, haven't you?"

Normally Buffy would have found that amusing, but as she watched Xander's blood dry on the vampire's lips, it was suddenly deadly serious. She wanted to kill, to make the evil girl a big pile of nice non-violent dust, and so was only mildly pacified when the vampiress hung her head in shame. "But Spike," Wow, Dru sure could whine. "I only took just the littlest sips. And I was so very hungry when I woke up, and everyone was busy…"

Spike sighed. Yup, she'd been attention-seeking. Damn unpredictable illness; if only he knew when she might be feeling well…

Dru moved closer to her boy, reaching out to caress his cheek. "You're not angry with me, are you, my sweet boy?"

Spike smiled at the other vampire, and Buffy felt her stomach roll. What a skank! Okay, sure they used to date, or whatever, but Spike said they weren't romantically involved anymore, and what nerve…Okay, and why did she care? Spike and Drusilla were not the issue here; Dru's fangs in her best friend were. She wanted to get in between them and kick a little vampire ass, but Spike's next words stopped her. "Yes, Dru, I am rather cross with you. You're not well enough to be mucking about all over the place, and you promised not to eat fresh humans. Now, here you are thralling the Slay…Sunshine's little friends, turning them into snack food…T'was very naughty of you, Dru. And naughty girls get chained up alone in their rooms, now don't they?"

Dru glowered, her eyes narrowing fiercely. Buffy took a half-step back before she could stop herself. "I was not bad! I was careful, and you're mean." With that, Drusilla spun on her heel and flounced back down the hallway towards the main part of the house. Buffy hoped Dru would take herself off to her room, but a squawk from the parrot in the living room indicated that the vampiress had settled herself there.

Spike sighed, rubbing his tired eyes. An injured boy, a Slayer who was all out of sorts, and now a mobile Sire who was acting like a spoiled five year old. It was worse than having minions, dealing with this lot. His whole day had been one upset after another, and Spike couldn't remember another time in the five years since he'd recovered his memories when he'd been more tempted to revert to killing humans, if only so he didn't have to deal with keeping them safe and happy. That plan also had the benefit of keeping Dru quiet.

Then again, there was the beautiful little Slayer with Emily's nose who would stake him at a moment's notice, and Jill would hate him, and the Slayer's Mum was a bit of alright…

"Earth to Spike, come in Spike!"  Buffy was just barely controlling her temper; and the lost look in her vampire mentor's eyes wasn't helping anything.  If Spike, who was so much older than her didn't know how to deal with the situation, how the heck was she supposed to figure it out?  "Umm, hello, your skanky ex just took a big chunk out of my Xander-shaped friend.  I may not like him as much as usual right now, but I don't want him bloody."

The bleached-blond vampire shook his head, finally meeting the Slayer's eyes.  "Sorry, pet, just pondering what we should do.  Don't really want to dope Dru up and put her back to bed; she needs to be up and about while she has the energy.  Then again, there's the worry about your friends and their safety.  And you need to train, but if I need help moving Dru, you're the best person for the job."  He cracked his neck, both of them wincing slightly at the loud noise it made.  "I'm tired, and a bit out of my depth here.  And I very much want to ignore the injury to your 'Xander-shaped friend' because I don't like him much at the moment, so just give me a minute to remind myself why I care if he lives or dies.  Why don't you go calm Red down, I'll go sit with Dru?"  Spike didn't wait for Buffy to answer, he simply turned on his heel and proceeded to follow Drusilla's path to the living room.

Spike stopped in the parlor doorway, smiling faintly at the sight before him.  Drusilla sat in the center of a couch in the darkened room, singing to herself.  She'd somehow coaxed the parrot from its cage, and it perched on the edge of a fruit bowl on the coffee table.  The bird alternately stared at the vampiress, its head tilted at an odd angle as though its little bird brain was confused by her being there, and took bites from an apple.

"Hello, Dru."  He approached slowly so as not to startle either of them, maintaining his calm, slightly amused expression.  "Sorry I snapped at you, pet; but you know you can't go around feeding on random humans anymore.  If you're hungry, Jill and I can heat some human blood for you…"

Drusilla sniffed disdainfully at him, her song ceasing abruptly.  "Feasting from a cup.  That's no way for a vampire to live, my Spike."

He sighed, and fell to his knees at her side.  "It's the best way I know to take care of you, Dru.  I can't let you continue feeding on people, not knowing what I know now.  And I can't bear to stake you."  He leaned his head gently against her knee, feeling her thin flesh and the brittle bones just beneath the surface.  "I have to follow my heart, Dru.  And even though I'm a vampire now, my heart remains dedicated to the cause that Emily died for.  Drinking blood freely given is the least I can do."

"Does it lessen your guilt, then, weakening yourself by drinking animal blood."  Drusilla's rare moment of rationality pleased Spike, even as he fought to answer the difficult questions no one else had bothered to ask.

"Not guilt exactly.  I do regret things I've done, kinda wish I hadn't done 'em.  Was a vampire, though, didn't know any better.  Didn't remember loving Emily when you made me.  Didn't understand about Slayers and Potentials, and what they mean to the world.  But I can't continue as I was, you must see that.  And I can't allow you to continue killing, either."

"I feel guilt."  The vampiress responded quietly, hanging her head so that her long hair fell across her face.  "Every time I feed, since the day Angelus turned me, I have felt it.  It burns me.  And I run from it, inside my head.  So easy, to let the pixies tell me what to do, let the demon-part guide me.  The demon-part doesn't know guilt."

Spike absorbed the information quietly.  He'd long wondered if that wasn't the case; if Drusilla's fractured mind hadn't created a personality split between the human and the demon, preventing them from fully incorporating.  The signs had been there, over the years.  Her understanding when he'd regained his memories had in itself been a clue.  If Darla had been there, he felt sure he would have been staked for his weakness.

"Most of the time, I stay back and let the other parts take over."  Drusilla continued slowly.  "I don't much care to face things I've done and said while the demon-part was on me."  Her hand fell to Spike's cheek, caressing it gently before tipping his chin up, forcing him to look into her eyes.  "Need to ask…If you ever loved me…Let me go.  Let your Sunshine stake me.  Please."

Spike shuddered at the haunted look in his Sire's eyes.  He imagined he could see the madness coming back into them, beyond the well of tears gathered there.  "I don't want to lose you, Dru."  He whispered, feeling the tears gather in his own eyes despite his attempt to remain calm.

"My sweet, sweet boy."  The vampiress whispered.  "You'll never truly lose me.  My blood flows through your veins – I'm always with you."  She flinched, as though a sharp pain or sudden movement had startled her.  "You've taken such good care of Mummy.  You'll always take care of me, won't you, my Spike."

Sensing that her personality was about to take a sharp dive back into the crazy pool, Spike grabbed the hand resting against his cheek and drew it in to kiss it.  "Always, my ripe, wicked plum."

Comments

[draconin.livejournal.com]

Interesting interplay of characters. It's fascinating reading such a young set of Scoobies - very few authors write in S1 and we tend to forget how young and teenage they were then!

I do feel that this would have been richer for seeing more of the scene where Buffy and Xander made their peace. After the elaborate lead up it felt rushed to have it all happen off camera.

[willow-25.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for all the comments!

You're right that I glossed over the Xander/Buffy reconciliation. I was having a hard time with it, so I moved on to the rest of the chapter. I didn't realize it was that noticable, though. I'll go back and tweak it sooner than later, now.

[draconin.livejournal.com]

Well, it's just that you've got Spike talking to Xander, Jill talking to Xander, Buffy talking about how she feels about Xander, ditto Willow, all leading up to how she has to confront Xander and clear the air and then.... nothing. Well, almost anyway. Neglecting the thread with Dru, it felt like this was the main thrust of this part and yet the climax happened off screen.

I do think that you're right in that this particular incident would have coloured Xander & Buffy's relationship for some years. It was glossed over in the show, IMHO wrongly. An attempted rape could not help but have coloured Buffy's perception of Xander although, given Xander's (and male teenagers) general lack of perceptiveness when it came to relationships and female feelings, I suspect that he would completely misunderstand the *depth* of what he'd done and how it would cause Buffy to shy away from developing anything deeper by way of a relationship with him. He would tend to focus on the immediate damage rather than seeing the long term.

If you were stuck on how to handle it and could stand a suggestion, that's the direction I'd have taken - guilty Xander but about the wrong thing; not understanding how vastly he's damaged her trust in him and being devastated when he finally realises what he's done. Maybe long term, if they do truly reconcile, this might lead to a Buffy/Xander romance that never occurred in canon.